Shopping Tips for the New Normal

by Kensie Phillps

It’s on the news, in the papers, even on the highway marquees: It feels impossible to escape talk of “the New Normal” nowadays. Amidst all of the conflicting information regarding personal protective equipment, travel restrictions, and even contagion, it seems that finding a reliable source of information on the topic is impossible.


Look no further: FringeNews has compiled a list of ten easy-to-follow tips for making the most of your shopping trip to the horrifying, yet fascinating, alternate dimension that has become accessible via the gaping cavern just south of Seattle.


5. Leave your phone in your pocket

It’s not just rude at the dinner table! Aside from creating an extra surface for rampant Discontentment Particles to cling to, it can distract you from your surroundings. In the shifting landscape of the New Normal, we all know what that means! If that wasn’t reason enough, some transtemporal scientists have speculated that the Unnameds may be able to establish a psychic link via your messaging history. Yikes!

4. Wash your hands

Your mom’s been telling you to do it for years, but is she on to something? The Fission Containment Agency says: Absolutely! It’s important to thoroughly wash and dry your hands before entering The New Normal to avoid bringing in any sheddable materials for the locals to collect. Be sure to use the decontamination chambers on your way out, as well. Wouldn’t want to bring home any hitchhiking Odious Swambmeisters on your socks!


Bonus tip! Never wear loose-fitting shorts or skirts to districts with reported Swambmeister activity!

3. Opt to go no-contact

While this option isn’t available at all locations, more and more New Normal shopping venues are offering it as demand increases. Although eye contact with the Effevescent Froilmares is inadvisable for most travelers, it can feel plain awkward to avert your gaze from the gaping, vacant space where their faces should be! Look out for venues advertising “no-contact” services on their storefronts, and worry no more as you take the sanitized blindfold on your way in.

2. A v o i d

1. Masks are a must!

A solid, face-obscuring obscuring mask makes all the difference. Aside from keeping in compliance with travel regulations, it’s important to protect yourself from being Identified. Remember, once you’re known, you are Known you are Known you are Known you are Known you are Known you are Known you are Known you are Known you are Known you are Known you are Known you are Known you are Known you are Known you are Known you are Known you are Known you are Many sellers on Etsy now offer adorable, fashion forward options at an accessible price!

The future may be filled with mystery and intrigue, but fear not! Check back next week for more fun tips, tricks, and recipes for making the most of your time in The New Normal.



-Kensie Phillps, Lifestyle Journalist


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