Liberals Outraged as Government Purges Deceased Voters

By Rhett O’Richards

RHEVORCYDE, DM— It was an overcast and mild Super Tuesday when Natasha Delacroix headed out to vote in the local primaries. It was no small feat for the Rhevorcyde resident, either: With no driver’s license, she had to arrange alternative means of transit. A night shift employee, Delacroix had to leave home a mere two hours after her shift ended to make it to the bus in a timely manner. Were these barriers not enough, her neighborhood polling location has been moved six times in the past three years.


Yet when Delacroix arrived at the East End Library with her ID in hand, she was informed that she was no longer registered to vote. According to the poll worker, her records listed her as “deceased.”


Which is technically true.


Natasha Delacroix is a member of the thriving vampire community that has called the Rhevorcyde area home for the past two centuries. “I just wanted to participate in the political process,” says Delacroix, dabbing at her tears with her handkerchief. “Just because I have no heartbeat, does not mean I do not care for the livesto- er- fellow citizens.”


She and other members of the community, mostly made up of Hungarian and Romanian immigrants, have expressed outrage at the recent voter purging tactics. Governor Javier Whitman (R, DM) recently signed into law the Voter Fraud Prevention Act, which includes a stipulation to remove any “deceased and inactive individuals from registration rolls.”


Proponents of the bill argued that specifying “inactive” individuals would prevent ghouls, vampires, and other undead from being purged, but local interpretations of the wording have caused situations like Delacroix’s to become commonplace.


Local officials cited that the tricentigenarian had not been spotted outside of her crypt in at least six years, but many sanguinotarian rights groups argue that a lack of sightings does not necessarily indicate a lack of community involvement. Moreover, they point out, police officers and census takers actively discriminate against nocturnal individuals by only conducting official participatory counts during daylight hours.


Reverend Peter Malkins, a local faith and community leader, is demanding answers. “Is nighttime charity no longer charity?” he asks local lawmakers. “Who else amongst our brothers are we going to exclude? Those who work below ground? Those who steal into homes and enforce moral standards against naughty children? Is Santa Claws canceled, next? When you disenfranchise the nocturnal community, where’s the line?”


Governor Whitman’s office could not be reached for comment at this time.

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