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Ensfield Vikings Suffer Devastating Losses against Lions

Hometown team Ensfield Vikings endured a record loss of 7-2 at Saturday night’s competition held at the newly restored Omaha Dome. “It was an absolute slaughter,” said forward position star Augustus Septimus, “we just couldn’t match them on speed.”

The Vikings, initially projected to win, had a promising enough start: Rearguard Gaius Markus has “diligently trained his shield arm” (according to coach Hectorus Philar) since his injury against the Penguins (Vikings win, 25-0), in which a strike to his Achilles tendon took him out of the fight with a mere twenty minutes remaining on the clock.

However, things took a serious turn when Marcus’ shieldmate, Flauvius Bobfried, stepped directly into a classic pitfall, instantly removing him from play. The Lions swiftly took advantage of the gap in the Viking’s defenses, leaping in at speed and laying waste to the rear guard. A well placed bite took the leg from defensive center Auris Chadicus (who was swiftly devoured), effectively crumpling the back line.

From there, it was mayhem. The Lions showed mercy with neither claw nor fang, brutally mauling Gaius, Eminus, and Llyonus before the remaining four could rally at the first defensive structure. Spearmen Stevenacus and Romulus managed to score fatal blows against two lionesses, the only kills achieved that night, before the team was forced to retreat fully behind the shieldwall.

Both lions and crowd were left bored by this cowardly play, prompting the MC to engage the Flapping Gates Of Hell™, breathing new life into the game as key defenders Yuronius and Mofosulia were promptly decapitated. Peteraminanicus fortunately only lost two thirds of his left arm, and survived only by being carried by the last uninjured gladiator.

The sole unscathed Viking, one Dominic Robinson, successfully ran out the clock with his ally on his back. “It’s lucky Pete is a reserve linesman,” said Robinson, “they have to run light anyway. If he had been a forward striker, I would have had to leave him to die.”

Coach Hectorus remains optimistic for his team’s chances this season. The recruitment pool is “strong this year, thanks to all the college debtors.” The Vikings will play again three weeks from now, in the highly anticipated semi-final match against the Hornets. Robinson has described the upcoming game as “utterly terrifying in a completely different kind of way.” Peteraminanicus could not be reached for comment while in recovery.

-Sports Super Now! by Sam "The Flick" Flickering

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