2020 Sportsman’s Draft Result: All Anyone Needs To Know!
The 2020 Draft officially came to a close this Sunday after an energetic weekend in O’maha. Fans, coaches, and draftees alike gathered for three days of entertainment and SPORT! This reporter was there for all three days to give a comprehensive rundown of this year’s picks (and eat too many hot Dogs!)
Coach Hayden of the Potterston Pigs won the coveted “first pick” token at the annual Lottery. “There’s definitely a science to [making your picks],” he said in a post-draft interview, “you’ve got to look at things like muscle tone and health of complexion, sure— but it’s also vital to consider factors like ... upbringing, socio-economic status, and religious background.”
He and the other coaches certainly put this scientific method into practice as they mulled over this year’s draftees. In the first round, Coach Hayden would ultimately select Scott Hobbs for his impressive left arm, as showcased in his stellar performance at Arezona State. He would then go on to pick Jason Watts’ right arm to compliment, citing that both had “their own unique strengths.” Of course, two arms are worthless without a suitable torso to anchor them to,which in this case would be taken from water polo star Mark Walliams. When approached for comment, Walliams was quoted as possibly saying, “Oh Jesus, Jesus Christ please, why are you doing this? Please, please God tell my momma where I am. I don’t want this,” although this reporter must admit that it was hard to hear him clearly over the crowd and the sharpening of the saws. Always a fan favorite, lovable darkhorse Coach Sands of the Winchester Wind Egos was also in attendance, focused primarily on internal organs as he shrewdly appraised the draftees bound on their steel surgical tables. “The spleen!” he chanted to the delight of the crowd, “Sports gene is in the spleen! Sports gene is in the spleen! Sports gene is in the spleen!” All in all, once the refuse and spare parts were swept away, forty-one new star players were successfully stitched and assembled. Only three Rejects occurred this year, the lowest number since ‘99. All three were subdued before any significant damage could be done. A special mention must be made for Coach Lightsman of the Silver Springs Swallows, who drew the fateful Red Token at the pre-draft Lottery. Many a tear was shed among the crowd and fellow coaches to see such a promising career cut short.
The season begins on Aughust 15, anno domini. Season passes can be purchased from The Coach’s League Official Website™ or from the Gentleman in the Trenchcoat on any street corner.
-Super Sport Now! by Sam "The Flick" Flickering